Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I will die if light touches me.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
