I didn't shave. On purpose
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
