I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
