i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
