I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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