Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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