What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
