I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
