It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
