i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Randomize
