I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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