Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
