Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
