I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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