You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
