I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
MIDGETS
????
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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