if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
