If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
