I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
