Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
