He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Farmville is her only friend.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
