I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
My breasts were aching with rage.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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