Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
