Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
