True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
