Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
