I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
