Capitaan dildo arrescate!
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
