you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
