so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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