she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
