Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
