My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
