She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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