i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize
