If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Let the clothes fall where they may.
where are my eyebrows?
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