fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
