Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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