I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
