god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
