All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize