My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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