Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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