seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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