Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
