so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
