my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
