We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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