so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
