i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
