guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
