lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize