That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
They took my balls.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
