My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
