Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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