I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
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